Apotheosis
by a-frizzlefrazzle
Summary: "I thought it was the wolf but it's…something deeper than that it's…some kind of apotheosis. I've felt this way before, right before the moon, but now it doesn't frighten or overwhelm me. In fact…I feel more lucid than I've felt my entire life." AU
1. Falling to Pieces

_"Give yourself over to the wolf. Let it eat the parts of you that are sick, that are damaged beyond salvage. Let the wolf in and let it clean house, and let it leave again. The wolf knows which parts must be swallowed. You do not need what it takes, and where it bites you the wounds will heal. Let the wolf in and let it eat you, and let it leave again."_

* * *

><p>Tonks hated silence.<p>

In war, silence meant death. And Grimmauld Place had become a monument to death. A towering effigy to the wasted life of a friend, cousin, and colleague that was lost to the silence of death.

She had left some papers in her now-unoccupied bedroom which she needed for her work at the Ministry. She trotted through the empty house as brisk as an autumn wind. Sweeping through the house in a brisk, efficient silence. She did not want to stay in the house any longer than necessary.

The air was thick with the icy, stagnant weight of death. And Tonks nearly choked on it.

On her way downstairs, she noticed something. There was a faint light coming from the dining hall that suggested someone else was in the house with her. The light was dim enough to suggest that the individual who created it wanted to slip through the house unnoticed, not unlike herself.

As discreetly as she could, the young witch peered around the corner, wand at the ready in case the intruder were a Death Eater instead of an Order member. She found someone she half-expected to be far away from this wretched place…deep underground with a pack of feral werewolves.

The man was seated at the head of the table looking down at his lap. He did not hear her enter the room, nor gave any sign that he was aware of her presence in the house at all. His left arm was neatly bandaged and pulled up in a sling. His right eye was blackened, his neck bore finger-shaped bruises and there were clumps of his hair matted with dried blood. There was also a nasty split in his bottom lip and several of his fingers were bandaged.

Tonks felt her heart swell at the sight of him. Tears stung at her eyes and her guard immediately dropped, "Remus…"

His head snapped to attention, his startled expression sobered at her appearance in the doorway. "Tonks?"

She strode over to the head of the table and sat down in one of the chairs beside him, drinking in his damaged and haggard face. From where she sat it seemed that poor Remus had not slept in days, he sported deep purple rings beneath his one un-blackened eye and it seemed he had not shaved in weeks. His entire face looked sunken and worn.

"What's happened to you?" Her voice barely above a whisper.

He looked away from her, back down at his lap. "I blew my cover with the pack."

Instinctively Tonks reached out and took Remus's free hand in hers, tears slipping down her face freely now. "Darling…"

He continued as if he did not hear her. "I just came to collect a few of my things, Arthur is coming to escort me back to the Burrow."

"I'll go with you!" she said before she could stop herself. Surprisingly Remus just smiled, that sad, lopsided smile he wore sometimes. She withdrew her hand and clutched both compulsively in her lap.

"What were you doing here anyway?" he asked.

"I left some papers I need for work."

He nodded stiffly but said no more.

The two sat in silence until Arthur finally arrived, mildly surprised at Tonks's appearance but overall relieved he didn't have to carry Remus's things on his own, as Remus was forbidden to exert his body in any fashion. It made Tonks sad to see what little he owned. It ended up being only two battered suitcases and neither were very heavy.

When Remus finally got up from his seat it was with the help of a cane he had concealed under the table.

"You sure this is everything Remus?" asked Arthur, gesturing to the two suitcases. Remus nodded but said nothing. Ever since he gave the explanation for his injuries Remus had been overall quieter than Tonks was used to. She imagined he had a lot on his mind.

Apparation and brooms were out of the question with Remus's fragile condition so the trio took The Weasley's flying car all the way back to the Burrow. The car was never a smooth ride but it did much better for fairing Remus back and forth in his delicate state.

When they arrived Molly immediately took Remus by the arm and ushered him back to his room that was once her son Percy's room. Arthur took both bags up leaving Tonks alone in the foyer. It took her a few minutes for her to even notice Ginny seated on the couch.

"Wotcher Gin," she said, giving the girl a sad smile.

"Hey," said Ginny, getting up from her seat to welcome Tonks with a hug. "Poor Remus had been taken prisoner by my mother," she said with a light laugh.

Tonks laughed with her. "Yes I'm sure she's been absolute torture for him. Remus hates being coddled."

Ginny nodded, but her expression was far away. "You should have seen him Tonks…" her eyes were tearing now, "I've never…no one…no one deserves that…especially not R-Remus." With a few quick sniffs Ginny regained her composure.

Tonks nodded, pulling Ginny close and stroking her hair fondly. Remus was good at masking injuries. She could remember several full moons when he would feign health only to end up unconscious in his room or vomiting in the bathroom. At Grimmauld Place she could tell the amount of pain he was in, and if he was having trouble masking it, he must have been truly suffering.

Molly and Arthur returned shortly after, both looking sullen and defeated. Mrs. Weasley instructed Ginny and Arthur to start making preparations for dinner, Tonks already knew she was an expected guest. What she didn't expect was for Molly to lead her outside to the front porch to discuss something private with her.

"So what did Remus tell you exactly? About what happened?" she asked.

Tonks shrugged. "Just that they figured out he was a spy."

The Weasley matriarch gave an annoyed huff. "He didn't tell you _why _his cover was blown?" Tonks shook her head. Mrs. Weasley huffed again, "men."

"They had captured a young boy from a village not far from here with the intention to turn him. Apparently they had starved him and kept him in a cage until the full moon. Remus tried freeing him…but he was caught. They…made an example out of him for the others thinking of leaving or not cooperating. I was out in the garden when Greyback apparated here, he had Remus about the throat…" Molly's voice cracked, Tonks opened her mouth to speak but Molly continued. "He didn't say anything, he just tossed Remus, like a rag doll and took off. We're all fairly certain his choosing the Burrow to…dispose of Remus was a coincidence, Alastor's not so sure. The boy _did_ manage to escape, but he's in critical condition at St. Mungos, according to Arthur."

"There's something else…" Molly hesitated again, peeking through the crack in the door to make sure Arthur and Ginny were seeing to their tasks. "I'm sure he probably doesn't even remember what he said or did his fever was so high. But—but the entire time he was conscious…he was calling out for you."

Tonks felt her jaw slacken slightly. "He was?" she whispered. Molly nodded.

"Yes. I think he might have even thought you were in the room with us. He kept reaching out for something…I believe it was you. In fact he was so desperate to get at whatever he saw that we ended up restraining him so we could get at his injuries."

Tonks looked down at the tips of her scuffed boots. "He told me...he said-" She couldn't bear to repeat what Remus had said to her before he went underground. She couldn't bear to shine a light on such a painful memory.

"We're only human. We can be real bastards to one another in the heat of emotion. It doesn't mean we always mean what we say."

A smile ghosted across Tonks's face at Molly's profanity. "That's the problem, Remus doesn't consider himself a human being."

Molly reached out and touched Tonks on the shoulder, "then why don't you go prove him wrong."

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHORS NOTE: <strong>So this story is actually a kind of "Frankenstein's monster" mashup of a bunch of one-shots I wrote independently then later combined into a large, multi-chapter story, going through and adjusting them so that they mesh into a cohesive narrative.

The quote at the top was a caption for one of Tumblr user stonelions's illustrations and I thought it fit perfectly with the story, so I opened with the quote and the illustration that accompanied it is being used as the cover image.

Anyway, enjoy!


	2. The Weight of the World

Three weeks had passed when Tonks returned to the Burrow. She found Remus seated on the sofa, engrossed in a book. While he still looked rather tired and ill, he looked worlds better than he did during her last visits. If anything, he looked much like he did the days after a full moon on Wolfsbane. He didn't acknowledge her right away.

"Remus?" she asked him warily. He looked up at her and gave her a sad, lopsided smile. She noticed that his black eye had healed completely and his split lip had healed into a faint white line, being caused by a werewolf, it would never fully heal.

"Hello Dora," he said, his voice hoarse.

She took the seat in the armchair across from him and took one of his hands in hers, she was happy when he didn't resist her. "How're you feeling?"

He let out a huff at this and leaned in to whisper to her, "perfectly fine, honestly. Molly refuses to let me return home."

Tonks let out a light laugh and patted his hand. "I think those are more Dumbledore's orders than Molly's. He doesn't want you moved until we're absolutely sure the pack won't come back for you."

Remus's face darkened at this and he leaned back onto the sofa, his hand slipping from Tonks's grip. "Oh," he said.

"I'm sorry," she leaned over and touched his knee, he didn't respond. "You do look worlds better though!"

"I bet," he said without humor. Remus was prone to brooding, most commonly right after a rough full moon…his ordeal with the pack had not improved matters.

Tonks could understand him now though. Much had been kept from him the last two-and-a-half months and he knew it. Including the condition of the boy he had fought tooth-and-nail to save. Tonks didn't like being treated like a child and she knew Remus didn't either, and that was exactly what Dumbledore was doing. Keeping vital information on current affairs from Remus for the sake of seeing him recover without emotional complications. The fact was things were not going well for their side and Remus's failure to remain in the pack was partially the reason. But no one blamed him. Everyone knew he had done the right thing, but did Remus?

"You've heard about the boy then?" asked Tonks. Remus kept his gaze focused on the book resting in his lap. "He's been asking after you. Once things quiet down you should go pay him a visit."

Remus shook his head. "He doesn't want to see me."

"Why wouldn't he want to see the man that saved his life?"

He ran a hand over his eyes. "If I were him I wouldn't want to be within five-hundred kilometers of another werewolf for the rest of my life."

"Not even the one who freed him from the same fate?"

Remus sighed. "Can we discuss this later? I'm very tired."

"You want to go upstairs and lie down?"

"In a grave would be more appropriate. I've never felt this weak in my life."

Tonks smiled and gave his hand a squeeze. "So…bed?"

Remus shook his head, "I can't go back up in that bed again. I'll go mad."

She laughed, "understandable. If it weren't for my strict orders I'd take you out for a drink somewhere. I've always wondered what a drunk Remus Lupin was like."

"Brandy would do wonders for my rib." It looked as if a thought occurred to him, he sat up straight and began searching through the Burrow with his eyes.

"What do you need?" she asked, worried he might be looking for a pain-relief potion or something of the like.

"I swear I saw a bottle of brandy floating around here somewhere."

Tonks let out a hearty laugh at that and sat up. "Stay there, I'll look for it."

When Remus said that the bottle had been floating around, he wasn't speaking in metaphor. Not long after Tonks began her search she found the bottle whizzing about in the high corner of the dining room, the result of a levitation charm left unattended. Tonks was able to get the bottle down with a quick counter charm and returned with the bottle and two large glasses. She smiled when she saw Remus's face light up at the sight, if it was because of her or the brandy, she didn't know.

"Thank you," he said, taking the glass from her gratefully. Tonks just smiled and gave a polite nod, a gesture she imagined she had picked up from Remus somewhere.

They sat nursing their glasses in silence for a while before Tonks spoke again. "You really should go see him."

Remus did not react immediately; he sat drinking from his glass staring ahead of him. "He would not want to see me. I would just remind him of his time in the pack."

"Remus," said Tonks with heavy reprimand in her voice. "He'd be happy knowing that the man that helped him escape got out too."

"Does he know the manner of my departure?" asked Remus.

"I don't know. I doubt it. And he doesn't even have to know why you left. He'd just be happy knowing you're not there anymore."

Remus took another swig from his glass, "I suppose so." Tonks smiled, she had won at least this one thing from him.

"You're dry," she picked up the brandy bottle and held it out to him, he held out his glass and she filled it back up for him, "don't feel useless Remus. You did good work and nobody thinks badly of you for sacrificing your cover to help that boy. Well…Snape does…but he thinks badly of everyone."

He laughed at that and turned to look at her properly. "I'm glad you came by. I've been alone here most of the time. Nothing but my own head for company."

Tonks smile faltered a bit. She wanted to take him back to her place and care for him there. But she always wanted that, even when Remus wasn't in the state he was in now. "Does it help to talk?" she asked.

Remus nodded, "it always does. Goes for everybody. Doesn't mean people always are willing to do it though," he took a deep swig from his glass.

"Is there…anything you want to talk about?"

Remus gave her a loaded stare. "Not today."

Tonks simply nodded and looked down at the glass in her lap. _Not today, tomorrow, next week, next year, never. _"You can't keep things bottled up inside you Remus. Even you have your limits. Sirius would—"

"Sirius would give me some _fucking_ _space!" _Remus spat. Tonks was dumbstruck, she had never heard him curse before. She looked up and saw he was looking at her with a look of pure loathing, but it was not directed at her. She understood that he was speaking in embitterment towards his entire situation, and Tonks just happened to be there to receive the brunt of that embitterment.

Normally, Remus would have apologized, but he didn't, he continued to stare her down until Tonks felt it was only right to collect the brandy glasses and take her leave. Remus obviously was no longer in the mood for talking.

She stood up from her seat and without asking, ripped the empty glass from Remus's hands and walked the glasses over to the sink. By now she would have expected him to say _something, _but he didn't. She even made an effort to be as loud as she could collecting her cloak and opening the door. When she turned to look in the living room, Remus was still seated, hunched over with his head in his hands.

* * *

><p>Several days after her visit to the Burrow, Tonks received a letter. It was brief. But its words drove her to her knees.<p>

_The boy passed in the night. Remus is missing._

_KS._


	3. The Terror of Malfoy Manor

The scream rang through the house.

Snape stood in the hall and lying limp in his arms, was Remus.

He was wrapped in Snape's ink-colored cloak, the only thing that could be seen of him from within its folds were a pair of bare feet, caked with mud and an unruly tuft of brown hair threaded with silver that was matted and clumped. Something dark had seeped through the fabric, dripping onto the floor.

At Snape's feet, lying in a heap, sobbing, was Tonks.

There was a _pop! _of someone apparating into the hall, everyone jumped at the noise.

Dumbledore appeared before Snape, looking profoundly grim.

Snape said only one thing; "Greyback is dead."

* * *

><p>There was a gentle knock at Tonks's door rousing her from her potion-induced slumber. She had almost forgotten why the potion was necessary. She had almost forgotten about Remus.<p>

Dumbledore and Moody stood on the other side of the door, both men looking profoundly grim. Tonks mind immediately went to a place of despair, but in the end she reasoned that if Remus had died they would have sent Molly to her. This was something different.

"May we come in, Nymphadora?" asked the headmaster.

"Of course," she stepped aside and allowed the two men to enter. She grabbed her wand from the bedside table and ignited the lanterns on the wall, casting the room in a weak, golden glow.

"How are you feeling?" asked Dumbledore.

"Alright. Just…" she looked down at the floor. The two men looked at her and knew that she blamed herself for what happened to Remus.

"It wasn't your fault, girl, he was gonna get justice for that lad one way or another," said Moody. His words unusually soft, they died on his lips. Remus's condition affected him deeply. The two fought in two wars together. Moody's hurt for Remus ran deeper than most.

"I know…but still."

"We need to ask something of you, Nymphadora."

Tonks nodded. She assumed as much.

"The appropriate people have been informed the details of Remus's condition, but I'd rather keep this all between as few people as possible, for Remus's sake. We need everyone in the Order to be able to trust one another and while I'm sure everyone cares deeply for Remus, I would hate to see that trust altered because of circumstances outside of his control."

Tonks frowned, confused. "What's going on?"

Dumbledore cast a glance at Moody who cleared his throat. "Severus is waiting for us in my office at Hogwarts. I believe it would be simpler to show you what has happened."

Tonks nodded. Dumbledore silently offered his arm to Tonks, who took it gratefully. There was a _pop! _and the three were gone.

Snape stood beside the pensieve. He was still caked in blood and looking uncharacteristically disheveled. The great stone bowl glowed an unearthly silver, a memory swirled within.

"You're bringing the metaporph?" Snape asked, casting a disapproving glare at Tonks.

On a better day, Tonks might have had a witty retort for Snape, but she was tired and sluggish with grief. She wanted to get back to Grimmauld, to Remus, as soon as possible. Snape wasn't worth prolonging that with an insult.

"Miss Tonks needs to be made aware of the situation as I believe she will be instrumental in Remus's recovery," said Dumbledore simply. "Now, shall we?" he gestured to the pensieve.

Snape nodded. The four surrounded the bowl. Tonks had never used a pensieve before, she was unsure how to proceed. Before she had any more time to question it, she felt a cold pulling sensation…

And she was somewhere else.

_She found Dumbledore, Moody and Snape all standing around her, inspecting their surroundings. They were in a long, dark hallway, the walls and floor were made of stone. The sounds of approaching footsteps filled the hall. They all turned to see a second Snape, approaching them._

_"That's you from earlier?" asked Tonks._

_"You're powers of observation are unmatched Nymphadora," Snape hissed._

_Tonks simply closed her eyes. Allowing a brief fantasy of her slapping Snape so hard he was hurled into the wall behind him, to pass through her mind and stay her anger._

_The "past Snape" strode down the dimly-lit passage, the four wizards followed suit. Soon cells began to line the walls on either side of the passage. Faint moans could be heard from some, most were too dark to see their occupants._

_"Where is this place?" asked Moody._

_"Beneath Malfoy Manor."_

_The past Snape halted abruptly before one of the cells. "Lumos" he hissed. He peered through the bars, the cell was empty. Against the light there was a faint shimmer amongst the stone, spatterings of blood and other bodily fluids. It was then he noticed something was different about the bars themselves. Past Snape stepped back and examined them. There was a clean sheen to them, so unlike the filthy rotted bars of the other cells, the material had been altered magically to a different metal. Silver. _

_There was the sound of someone approaching. Snape extinguished his wand and stowed it. He adjusted his posture to look only mildly curious of the silver bars._

_"Ah, Severus," Lucius Malfoy's voice called out to him. He turned to the patriarch of the Malfoy brood, who had been taking quick strides towards him. "You misplaced something down in my dungeons?"_

_Snape stiffened. "I was told you've kidnapped the werewolf."_

_"Ah, yes, indeed. Greyback is in the middle of a…friendly chat…with it. I was just about to go watch the show myself. Care to join me?"_

_"Yes," was all Snape could say. He followed Malfoy down the long hall. The four observers followed suit. Tonks felt fear well within every step she took, she wasn't sure if she could bear to see Remus in whatever state these monsters had left him in._

_"How did you catch it?" asked Snape._

_"Oh it came to us. Very willingly I might add. It requested an audience with Greyback, what kind of host would I be to deny such a simple request?"_

_They came to a steel-bolted door which had to be magically opened. "How long has it been in there?" asked Snape, trying to sound as passive as possible._

_"Today, I'd say only about an hour or so. This is our fifth day with it. I'd have gotten here sooner but I had other matters to attend to. After you," Malfoy stepped aside and let Snape enter the room._

_Inside was a windowless room made completely of stone. There was a small orb of light suspended in the center of the ceiling. The room was only occupied by two people. The great, hulking form of Fenrir Greyback, the other lay in a bloodied heap at his feet, rasping heavily as if each breath were a struggle. Chains were clasped around his thin wrists and ankles and bolted to the floor._

_Snape entered the room and walked over to the corner, hiding in the shadows. Neither of the two men acknowledged his presence, even after Malfoy entered and shut the door behind them. He joined Severus in the corner and watched with a kind of morbid curiosity at the scene playing out before him._

_"Don't get distracted by our visitors now!" Greyback sent a heavy kick at the werewolf's ribs. Remus groaned and curled into himself, his breaths coming out in short, startled heaves._

_He turned against the opposite wall, breathing heavily, occasionally letting out a weak moan of pain. Tonks felt hot tears slide down her face, she didn't know how much longer she would be able to stay in this horrid memory._

_"I'LL SKIN YOU YOU FUCKING WORTHLESS MUTT!" Greyback drew his wand and sent a sectumsempra at him, slicing up the werewolf's side. This time, Remus made no noise at first, he only curled into himself even more. His breathing was coming out in harsh, ragged breaths. Blood began to drip and pool around him._

_Everyone watched as Remus brought his hands up to his temples and moan. Under his ragged breath Remus could be heard muttering to himself like a madman, "no no no no no no no no..."_

_A crucio slammed into Remus with force. There was only a grunt of pain, as if the curse had merely been an annoyance. There was some kind of morbid delight in Greyback's face._

_Then something happened. There was a very distinct shift in the werewolf's mannerisms, and it changed the very air of the room completely. Remus had uncurled himself from his ball, dropping into a crouch, propped up by the balls of his feet and placing his hands out in front of him._

_Much like a..._

_There was a low, menacing growl. Remus's long, unkempt mop of grey and brown hair fell over his face like a mane, and from within the shadows where his eyes ought to be, two yellow orbs glowed bright and feral._

_Remus was gone. The wolf was here._

_Then, a laugh. It was a quiet, high-pitched laugh, almost like a hyena...it sent chills through the four onlookers, they saw both the past Snape and Malfoy visibly stiffen at the unsettling sound. Remus lifted his head, exposing his sunken, unshaven face to the light. Tonks could see no trace of the man she knew in that face. Something darker and far more terrifying had crept behind those once soft honey-colored orbs, becoming something truly inhuman._

_"Try it again...go on..." Lupin whispered, his voice hoarse and scratched from screaming, but it had a low gravelly growl to it that did not belong to the man known as Remus Lupin._

_Greyback chuckled and turned to Malfoy. "May I have a little fun with my pup?" he asked. Malfoy looked disgusted._

_"Do not kill it," he said, his words were choked. He turned and headed for the door, past Snape followed. "No," said Malfoy, halting him with the flat of his hand. "You must stay and make sure that animal doesn't get carried away."_

_"Yes, of course."_

_When Malfoy had gone, past Snape disappeared into the corner of the room, watching warily. At the sound of Malfoy's departure, Greyback freed Remus of his shackles with a casual flick of his wand._

_"What are you doing?" past Snape asked, startled._

_Greyback laughed again. "I want to see if my pup has the stones to face his sire unhindered." He dropped into a crouch, meeting the feral gaze of Remus's golden eyes. "You think you'd bring that little boy justice? There's no justice for the dead. He'll rot in the ground knowing I gutted him and you couldn't save him." _

_Tonks felt tears well in her eyes. _However you did it, Remus. The bastard fucking deserved it.

_"Do you hate me, pup? At night, do you dream of your wolf ripping out my throat? Does it make you _hard_? The thought of tearing into me? You honestly think you're any better than me?"_

_Remus was silent, but his gaze never faltered._

_"I heard you have a _bitch_ of your own now. Do you smell her blood? Does it drive you _mad_? You ever fuck her when she's having her blood? Huh? Think about lapping up that blood like the greedy little pup you are?" Tonks drew her hand to her mouth, she felt ill. "Don't you ever just want to sink your teeth into her soft little—"_

_The light in the cell went out, submerging the room in darkness. There was a stillness, but only for a moment. There was the sound of chains sliding across the stone floor, the sound of a struggle, and then a horrible, piercing scream._

_The sound of Snape casting a lumos maxima could be heard over the horrible shrieking. The cell filled with light, Tonks screamed, Moody staggered a few feet backwards, the blood fell from Dumbledore's face, present Snape had turned to face the far wall._

_The chains had somehow wrapped themselves around Greyback's wrists and ankles, pinning him to the floor. They were wrapped so tightly they looked ready to pop off his wrists. But that was not the true horror of what Greyback has awoken in his pup._

_Remus had mounted Greyback; his fingers were buried into Greyback's eyes, his face transformed into a fountain of blood. Then, in one swift motion, Remus bent down, digging his teeth deep into Greyback's throat and with one great tug, tore his throat wide open._

_"STOP! STOP! I CAN'T! STOP THIS!" Tonks shrieked._

_The room began to swirl around them and fade. As they left the memory, a cry of "stupefy!" could be heard._

Tonks felt sick. Tears clouded her vision. She toppled out of the pensieve and onto the floor. The three men stood in silence, looking anywhere but at each other.

"The boy's gone feral then."

Dumbledore looked rueful. "He was provoked. Remus may very well come back from this."

_"Did you not see what he did?" _Moody hissed, wary of Tonks who was on the floor, weeping.

"He's right." said Snape. "Provoked or no, Lupin let the wolf surface, that is a piece of his humanity he may never get back."

"Why did you bring me here?" Tonks's voice was meek, her words clumsy as she fought the sobs that caught in her throat. The three men turned to look at her, but all were silent. Tonks stood and straightened herself and turned to Dumbledore. "Why?"

"I believe you deserve to know what happened to Remus. Because if there is anyone capable of bringing him back to us…it is you, Miss Tonks."

Grimmauld Place was a mask of calm when Tonks returned. The only light in the house came from the crack beneath the door to Remus's bedroom. She could not see him, not now.

He had warned her. Begged her to see reason, see the truth. That he was a monster. _He's not a monster. Not even after what I saw, _she thought.

She entered her room, locking the door behind her. She felt heavy.

She wondered how far gone Remus was, would he have to be contained? Permanently? Had the wolf finally taken his very soul? If Remus came back, would he be able to cope with having taken a life in such a horrific manner? Even if it was a life that had caused him and many others so much misery?

Would people reflect on the death of Fenrir Greyback as the work of a hero…or bestial murder by a werewolf?


	4. Eyes of the Wolf

Tonks woke to an owl tapping at her window. Dumbledore requested her presence.

When she arrived it was to the sight of Moody and Dumbledore in the midst of a heated discussion. The two fell silent as Tonks crossed the threshold.

The witch wrapped her arms around herself, blinking herself out of her early morning stupor. "What's going on?"

"We're not giving up on him," said Moody. "We think if he can be somewhere isolated, away from humans, he can recover easier."

"How can you expect him to recover if you leave him out in the middle of nowhere?" Tonks snapped.

"That's where you would come in, my dear." said Dumbledore, giving the young witch a reassuring smile. "You out of any of us in the Order would be able to keep the wolf at bay. He cares for you, deeply, that much is certain, and Alastor has told me he's trained you extensively in dark creature defense and would be able to handle Remus if he slips into a feral state."

Tonks nodded. "Where would we stay?"

"The Lupin family home. It has been empty for many years but remains intact and well hidden. It's deep in the woods, a landscape the wolf would find calming, and it is Remus's childhood home, a place that can keep him grounded in his human mind. With you there we think Remus will be able to come back from this."

"When do we leave?"

Dumbledore smiled, eyes twinkling behind his half-moon spectacles. "Remus has been taken there already, Poppy, Minerva and Molly are in the process of securing the house and making Remus comfortable. You may leave whenever you are ready, I will arrange a portkey to take you there."

Tonks nodded again. "Alright. I'll pack my things then."

There was a softness in Moody's haggard face. Tonks knew he was proud of her.

* * *

><p>The Lupin cottage looked like something out of a fairy tale. There was a small, but well-kept garden that sat in the front of the house. Molly was outside casting wards, carefully stepping around the patches of cucumbers and pumpkins around her feet. Tonks could imagine a young Remus helping his mother tend to the gardens. The thought made her smile.<p>

Inside the house was small, but cozy, and it smelled like Remus. A fire had been lit in the stone fireplace. The living room, dining room and kitchen were conjoined with a small hallway leading to the bathroom and bedrooms. She looked through the cupboards and saw they had been stocked with fresh foods including some selections from the Lupin's vegetable garden.

Poppy appeared in the kitchen. "Tonks! So glad you've come. Follow me." The two went out into the hall.

Poppy opened the door at the end of the hall. It led to the master bedroom. Tonks could smell the pleasant aroma of a scented scourgify charm that had been recently placed on the sheets. They most likely had not been washed since Remus's parents were still alive. "We cleaned up in here, it was rather dusty. I wouldn't recommend sharing a bed with Remus till he's recovered so I'd suggest you stay in here." The statement made Tonks blush. "There's a charm so if Remus wakes or is distressed this bell will ring," she pointed to the servant bell that was bolted to the wall beside the door.

Poppy took Tonks through the rest of the house, showing her where things were. They had set up a portkey to the private ward of the Hogwarts infirmary in case of an emergency. She showed Tonks the cellar where Remus would spend the full moon. Poppy explained that in Remus's current state that wolfsbane would be rendered ineffective.

Tonks hated how frightened she was.

* * *

><p>Everyone stayed long into the evening preparing the house. Molly cooked dinner, letting the pleasant aroma waft through the house, filling it with a new life that the little cottage had not known in decades.<p>

Tonks did not feel the true weight of her burden until everyone had left.

She stood in the middle of the living room, watching the dull glow of the dying embers in the fireplace. She tried not to think about the scene in the pensieve, she tried not to let it change her opinion of Remus, she had to remind herself of what Greyback had done to him, and done to so many innocent children, that he deserved the most brutal death imaginable. Slowly, it began to feel like justice.

The sound of the floorboards creaking behind her jolted Tonks from her thoughts. She spun around on her heel, wand at the ready.

Remus was standing in the hall, his emaciated form silhouetted by the moonlight shining in through the hallway window behind him. Tonks could feel terror rush through her like a cold wind.

"Remus?" she said, keeping her wand raised, prepared to stun. He did not answer. He continued to stand in the hall, his eyes glowed faintly in the darkness. Tonks had never been afraid of Remus. Until now. "Remus. Can you hear me? Are you alright?" she tried to mask her fear with concern, but the tremble in her voice betrayed her. She knew Remus would be able to smell the fear wafting off of her.

Slowly, Remus stepped into the living room, letting the light coat his face in a dull, golden glow. The light of the fire reflected in Remus's eyes, glowing yellow as he watched her. The servant's bell in Tonks's bedroom could be heard ringing off in the distance. The full extent of the torment Remus's body had endured from his captivity and torture was now visible to her.

He was wearing a pair of boxers that hung loose around his hips, exposing the sharp dip of his hip bones. He also wore a faded green t-shirt that Tonks recognized as one of Remus's preferred sleeping shirts. He was heavily swaddled with bandages, blood crept in through the ones around his joints, the wound having been torn open from his movements. Bruises blotted his skin, almost completely masking the ghostly white flesh beneath. He looked much like a starved, beaten animal that had emerged from the woods and somehow found his way inside Lupin Cottage.

"R-Remus you can't be out of bed."

"Hungry." The word came out in a hoarse, dark growl that sounded nothing like Remus's voice.

In that moment Tonks feared that she was no longer talking to Remus Lupin the man, but the werewolf that prowled in his mind.

"Oh," she said, her mind whirring, thinking of the best course of action. "Why don't you sit down and I'll fix you something? You shouldn't be over-exerting yourself." Remus said nothing, but continued to eye her with those glowing, predatory eyes.

"Come, sit on the sofa here and I can get you something to eat." Tonks patted the sofa that sat beside her. Remus's eyes flicked from the sofa, back to Tonks, as if questioning her motives.

She saw Remus flare his nostrils slightly, then he frowned, suddenly looking hurt. "Are you frightened of me Tonks?" The question was sincere. His voice still held the rasp of disuse but no longer sounded feral and predatory, it sounded like Remus.

She froze, she couldn't lie and say she wasn't, Remus would know and it would upset him more. "I'm just scared what you being out of bed is going to do to your wounds."

His face softened and he slowly made his way over to the sofa, walking as if every step were a battle. Tonks watched as he slowly eased himself onto the sofa, she wanted to help him sit but she was afraid of startling or upsetting him with the gesture.

When he was fully seated he seemed to relax significantly. Gently, Remus craned his head back and closed his eyes. It was the most human Remus looked since his sudden appearance in the hallway.

Quickly, Tonks rummaged through the cupboards grabbing a plate, a glass and then a large slab of meat which she quickly cut into small slices with her wand. Poppy had advised to give Remus raw, red meat until he was more in his proper state of mind. The meat would help steady the wolf inside, make it less aggressive.

She stood before Remus with the plate of raw steak and a glass of water, the smell was enough to jog the man from his repose on the sofa. She quickly handed Remus the plate and set the glass on the side table.

Remus quickly began digging into the meat with his hands, devouring it hungrily. "How're you feeling?" she asked, shifting uncomfortably.

He chewed vigorously for several moments before speaking. "Why are we in my parent's house?" he asked, his gaze fixed on the fireplace.

"We thought it would speed your recovery if you were in a quiet, familiar place." Remus did not respond. "We ought to get you back into bed."

She could not draw herself away from Remus's eyes. Hypnotic in their inhuman glow, Tonks felt herself become transfixed by his gaze. As she looked at him, she found something in his eyes that halted her, and it was not their unnatural, wolfish glow, but something else…there was an understanding, an awareness that did not belong to either man nor beast…but some kind of glorious union of the two.


	5. Avenging Children

"How is he?"

"Still asleep."

Moody had come by the cottage in the wee hours of the morning, Tonks brought him out to sit in the garden so they would not wake Remus with their conversation.

"He's different?" asked Moody. Tonks could only nod. Remus's metamorphosis was the last thing she wanted to talk about. Moody let out a might sigh. "If he's gone feral, it's not like he's truly gone, you know that right? I don't want you thinking you're looking after some kind of stranger."

"I don't. It's just…it's going to take some getting used to I suppose."

There was a weighty silence shared between the two of them.

"Why are you here?" she asked.

"Something's been bothering me…about that blasted memory."

"What is it?" Tonks asked.

"The chains. Lupin moved them—with magic—no wand. And it was _strong. _He nearly popped Greyback's hands off they were wrapped 'round him so bloody tight. Wandless, non-verbal can be strong but not _that _strong."

"What are you suggesting?" asked Tonks. She turned to Moody, his magical blue eye was whirling around in its socket.

"I'm curious if he's woken a power greater than just his wolf."

A shiver passed over Tonks's face. She looked out at the forest surrounding the cottage, watching the leaves ripple in the trees, roaring in the wind like a great ocean surrounding them.

She wanted Remus to find his peace here. She wanted it more than anything.

"I better head back to headquarters. We've been busy since this whole bloody ordeal."

"I appreciate you guys letting us bring Remus here. I know it's not easy losing two members like this."

Moody was eerily silent.

Tonks nodded, she glanced back towards the cottage as Moody limped towards the woods, outside the anti-apparation wards that surrounded the cottage.

She heard Moody disappear with a _pop! _off in the distance.

As she headed towards the house, she heard it, the bell. Remus was awake. She trotted towards the cottage and into Remus's room at the far end of the hall.

Her heart sank in her chest.

Remus was gone. The window beside his bed was open. Tonks darted towards the window, sticking her head out, as if she would find Remus just beyond, looking at her with his warm honey-colored eyes and everything would be back to normal.

She could see a trail of very human footprints in the mud just outside the window. They led into the forest. She leapt out the window, mud spattering her jeans and caking her shoes. She didn't care. She needed to find Remus.

The woods were dark. The trees so compact, their leaves and branches, twisted and full, blocked out the sun and covered the forest floor with an eerie iridescent glow. An unearthly hybrid of twilight and dawn.

There was a short cliff which ran along a stream. Here the tracks stopped. Tonks hopped down onto the bank and approached the water. Had she not been so worried about Remus at the time, she would have found peace in the landscape spread out before her.

She thought of little Remus wandering the forest with his father and mother. Splashing in the shallow stream, laughing. Unaware of the darkness it would hold for him.

Remus's parents had passed away long before she ever knew Remus. He spoke very little of them but always with fondness whenever he did. She imagined the hurt of their passing ran deep. Tonks began to wonder if it was wise to bring Remus to a place of such memories. Of parents who would never hold him again.

There was movement from behind her. Tonks spun on her heel and saw nothing but the wall of earth that separated the forest floor from the stream. The sound came again, the sound of crunching leaves. She scaled the wall of earth until she was level with the forest floor again. She steadied herself and listened…

Ragged breaths came from a tree nearby.

Warily, she made her approach. "Remus?" She came around to the other side of the tree and found Remus, curled up in a ball, flush against its wood.

He was shivering violently, his hair damp and plastered to his forehead. His legs were caked with dirt, his bandages now soaked with blood. He did not look at her, he kept his eyes firmly closed.

"Remus? Sweetheart? What are you doing out here?"

She was met with the heavy-lidded stare of those golden, wolfish eyes. But they were different now, looking at her with a terror she did not see in the man the night before.

"I-I was scared. I…I needed to get away…'m sorry." He turned from her, pressing his forehead against the wood of the tree that acted as his anchor.

"Scared of what? Tell me what's going on."

He could barely speak above a whisper, as if he were trying his best to keep from breaking down completely. "I was scared I'd hurt you if I stayed. I felt trapped. I'm calmer out here."

Tonks sighed. She watched Remus tremble like a leaf beneath the might of the great oak. "It's alright. I understand. We need to get you inside though, so I can change your bandages. You're going to get even more sick if you stay out here."

"I could smell the fear in the house. I don't want you to be afraid of me…" Tears rolled down Remus's hollow cheeks. Tonks felt her heart well with pity, she had never seen Remus, her Remus, so broken and vulnerable before.

She wasn't afraid of him. Not now. She needed him to see that.

Slowly, she reached out to him, holding his bony shoulder in her firm grip. She pulled him towards her, he was too weak to resist her. She held him in her arms, in a firm, motherly embrace.

At first he had gone rigid, but then he seemed to slowly slump against her. She tilted her head to get a better look at his face and saw his eyes were closed, his face relaxed as it had been the night before. Why had he been so calm the night before? So oddly serene? So at peace with himself and his wolf.

Was it the night that brought the calm?

It made sense. The wolf was a creature of nightfall. It brought freedom from its human shackles. The terror Remus must have felt to wake in the morning and find the wolf still prowling, still rooting around in his mind. Dawn was meant to drive the wolf out. And it didn't.

Would it ever drive it out again?

She apparated them to the edge of the forest just outside the cottage where they passed through the wards. Remus had to lean on Tonks heavily in order to keep himself upright.

"How about I set you up a nice bath and you wash all this muck off you while I make us breakfast?"

Remus said nothing.

"Sweetheart, I need you to talk to me so I know you're alright."

"Sorry."

She didn't expect Remus to speak. She understood he had a lot on his mind. He had gone through so much in such a short amount of time. Unfathomable abuse by his own werewolf sire, twice, and the sudden death of a boy he had risked his life to save. Now, he was teetering on the fragile line between man and wolf. He deserved whatever silence he wanted. But she refused to let him drown in his own darkness. Not if she could help it.

They made it to the bathroom in silence. It was small, recently scourgified and stocked with fresh towels and soaps. In the center of the room was a large claw-foot tub.

She sat Remus down on the edge of the toilet and began running the tap with warm water. Both grateful for the sound of the running water, filling the horrible void of the silence shared between them.

"Can I help you get out of your clothes?" asked Tonks tentatively once the bath had been set.

Remus flushed and looked down at his lap. "I…I'm different from when you last…saw."

Tonks blinked back tears. She could only imagine what new horrors his body would tell.

Slowly, gently, she eased his shirt up and over his head. The bandages still censored the worst of the damage Greyback had done. His boxers came off next. Tonks had seen Remus naked before, both intimately and…not. But she felt the horror and the shame it brought Remus to have her see him in such a state now.

Remus was broken, half-feral it seemed. But she knew with every fiber of her being that she loved the man that sat bloody and broken before her. So much so it physically hurt. All she could do was plant a chaste kiss on his forehead, willing her love to flow into him, willing Remus to understand that she was going to weather this storm with him weather he liked it or not.

She did not expect Remus to react. She jumped when she felt his arms slowly fold themselves around her waist, pulling her into a weak embrace. Tonks did not need to see his face, only the slight shake in his shoulders was enough to tell her he was crying.

"Let's get those bandages off you and get you into this bath."

The wounds were already nearly-healed as they were mostly caused by curses. The wounds from werewolf claws would be stubborn to heal. The slashes from Greyback's first attack still had not healed at a fraction of the rate that the simple spell-cast wounds had. But at least they were healing. However slowly, that was enough.

She eased Remus into the tub and cast an alert charm on the room in case Remus's condition changed dramatically or he needed any kind of help. "I'll be in the kitchen."

Tears rolled down her face as she prepared eggs for herself. The raw steak already plated and waiting for Remus at the kitchen table. She wanted nothing but for him to come back from this. But the uncertainty of his condition shook her. This wasn't simply a wound. This was something in his mind that had been torn open. Nobody would have answers for them. Nobody knew if this was a wound that could be healed.

Tonks had finished her own breakfast and was staring absently out the window when Remus finally entered, washed and fully dressed in a faded t-shirt and jeans. It was the most casual she had ever seen him. He sat beside her at the table and began to eat his steak in silence, with utensils this time.

"Romulus."

Tonks started at the sound of his voice. "What?"

"The boy. His name was Romulus." He actually _smiled. _"If it's not bitter irony that I survived and he didn't I don't know what is." There was a bite to his voice, a bitterness Tonks had never heard in him before.

"At least you were able to avenge him."

"I suppose I avenged a lot of children."

She knew of whom he spoke of. And in that moment Tonks understood why the boy's life had meant so much to him. Romulus represented the childhood that had been stolen from Remus himself. He represented the scores of children without childhoods. Childhoods torn from innocent children by the teeth of Fenrir Greyback.

The weight of Remus's actions at Malfoy Manor his Tonks for the first time in a profound way.

It felt like justice.

But when Tonks looked up at Remus again, the gold glittering in his eyes, and the sunken horror that lay beneath them, the weight of his burden. Yes, it was justice, but at what cost?

Was it worth the price of Remus's soul?


	6. Emerging From the Flames

_Ding ding ding ding!_

Tonks groaned and rolled over, folding her pillow over her head.

"Shut uuuuup!" she groaned.

Realization struck her so fiercely it could have knocked her off the bed.

_Remus._

She bolted from the bed. Skidding down the hall she came to a stop in the doorway to Remus's bedroom.

He was curled in the fetal position, his eyes squeezed shut, his hands pressing into his temples.

She slowly padded towards the bed, careful not to startle him with any sudden movements.

"Remus..."

His words came out in a strangled whimper. "Get it out..."

Tonks gaped for a moment before he screeched at the top of his lungs,

"GET IT OUUUUUUUUUT!"

A window by Remus's bed suddenly shattered. The alarm for every charm monitoring Remus's condition sounded simultaneously, the ringing of the wards being breached rung out in a high-pitched whistle. _How was this possible?_ She had known about emotional reactions triggering instinct magic, like a plate shattering or a door slamming, Remus had somehow corrupted every charm in the house, even the wards surrounding the cottage that had been cast by Dumbledore himself!

Tonks flung her wand into the air, _"silencio!" _And all went quiet.

Remus had gone completely rigid. He was pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. Tonks gently placed her hands on his shoulders, trying coax him out of the protective ball he had curled himself into.

"Remus!" Tonks tried to pull his hands away but the strength of his own desperation was much too strong.

"MAKE IT STOP! I WANT IT OUT! PLEASE!"

"Want _what _out? Please Remus! Tell me!" Tonks shrieked, tears spilling from her own face now.

He was sobbing now. "I can't endure this...all the time...in my head...please..."

What could she possibly do? She couldn't just go inside his head and tell the wolf to fuck off. Why was she here? What was it that made her more qualified than Madame Pomfrey or any other healer?

Remus reached out a trembling hand, gently reaching for Tonks. "Dora..."

And then she knew.

She took his hand in hers and squatted down to meet his eyes, bloodshot and terrified.

She put his hand against her cheek, guiding his caress with her hands. "Focus on this, sweetheart. Focus on me."

His breath began to slow and even as his eyes bore into hers. "That's right darling...that's right. Just look in my eyes."

She was his anchor.

Eventually he closed his eyes, his breath came out deep and even. He had fallen asleep.

Tonks gently pulled away, careful not to wake him. She eyed the shattered window and with a quick flick of her wand, sent the pieces flying back to their original positions in the window frame.

"He came through that window."

Tonks started and looked down at Remus who had woken and was staring tiredly up at her.

"Who did?" she asked.

"Greyback."

Her face fell. She turned to the window, gazing upon it with the weight of new meaning. It wasn't a coincidence that that particular window had shattered.

It was the window that ruined Remus's life.

* * *

><p>"He's fighting it."<p>

Moody's head, shrouded in flame, looked pensive at it floated in the fireplace.

"He'd be the first werewolf in history to come back from a feral state like that."

"I know what I saw! I'm not giving up on him!" Tears sprung to Tonks's eyes, a white hot anger rose to her face.

She shook her head. "If you're so certain he's gone why bring him here in the first place? Huh?"

Silence. It made Tonks uneasy.

"Has he done any nonverbal? Any at all?"

"Why does that matter? He's barely left his bed."

"I'd like to come by in a few days, check his progress for myself."

"Whatever."

The head disappeared.

Tonks leaned back into the sofa, craning her head back and closing her eyes. She willed her mind to stop reeling for once, but that seemed an impossible feat, not when Moody was being so cryptic as of late and Remus fighting invisible demons only he could see. Yes, it was difficult to keep the mind quiet in such conditions.

_She was darting through trees faster than she ought to be able to. Her heart lifted with the feeling of careening through the twilight-cast forest at such a speed. It was a specific joy she never felt before. Someone was beside her, keeping with her pace. She dared not look, lest she lose her footing and break the glorious momentum she had cultivated. She could not see the shadow but she heard its breath and she knew that her breath was the same. And they moved as one through the forest._

Music drifted through her senses. Tonks was jolted from her sleep as the music called her to awakening.

She recognized the song that was playing: _Autumn Leaves_ by Paula Cole.

The living room was different from when Tonks had dozed off. All the windows were open, a wonderful evening breeze rolled through them. Outside, the sound of the trees rustling like rolling waves could be heard. The room was cast in a beautiful golden glow by the fire glowing in the fireplace. She only then noticed that Remus had emerged from his room and was sitting in the armchair beside her.

She turned her head to the source of the noise, a large gramophone sitting on a small stand in the corner of the room., There was no record, but the needle was out and bouncing along to an invisible track. She turned to Remus, "you did this?" she asked.

He lifted his head towards her, "sorry I woke you." A ghost of a smile played on his lips. "It was a little too quiet for me."

"No bother." She turned back to the gramophone, "can you play _anything?" _she asked.

"What would you like?" When she looked back at him, he was smiling, his golden eyes glittering.

She racked her brain for a moment, thinking of something relaxing, not wanting to spoil the wonderful atmosphere Remus had cultivated by requesting something noisy like The Weird Sisters.

"Elton John?" she ventured.

Remus puffed out a laugh. He _laughed. _Tonks felt herself go weak at the sight, the days she had spent wondering if Remus would ever smile or laugh again, if _she _could ever laugh again. She couldn't help but laugh too. Lost in her own merriment, she did not even notice when the song changed to _Someone Saved My Life Tonight._

Tonks pulled herself up and sat cross-legged on the sofa, watching the flames dance about in the fireplace. It was difficult to accept what a profound calm that had swept over the cottage in such a short time, when only hours ago the air was thick with such anger and fear and melancholy.

Time rolled on, Tonks barely noticed the sun melt behind the trees, leaving them in the cool glow of night.

She heard Remus shift in his chair, she turned and saw he now sat with his legs sprawled out in front of him, slouched in the armchair and staring into the fire intensely. She was no longer alarmed to see the fire's glow reflecting back in his eyes, in fact she found the sight to hold a primal beauty in its own right.

"How do you feel?" she asked, remembering Remus's behavior when night fell, so much more lucid…and wild.

Remus closed his eyes. "I don't think it's going to go away. Not completely. I accept that now."

She had an idea of what Remus was referring to, but she asked anyway. "What's never going to go away?"

He opened his eyes slightly. "I thought it was the wolf but it's…something deeper than that it's…some kind of apotheosis. Like I've woken up." He turned his head to the open window, "I can feel the life in the forest, I can hear a fawn gallop through the brush, I can hear the tiny heartbeat of a rabbit darting through the garden," his gaze fell upon her, "I can feel everything, and I understand it in the most profound way." He closed his eyes again, "I've felt this way before, right before the moon, but now it doesn't overwhelm me like it used to. In fact…I feel more lucid than I've felt my entire life."

Tonks felt her jaw slacken. She wanted to say something, but she found words would never be enough. What were words when the very nature of the world around you had become so vivid? What are you in comparison to that kind of beauty?

"The morning I ran off...I felt it so clearly, and it terrified me. I felt the wolf's desires in my head and it disgusted me. Somehow, now that's night has come…I _understand _it. And I'm not afraid anymore."

Tonks simply stared.

She knew that human beings only used a tiny portion of what their souls or minds were capable of. That's what enlightenment was for. She looked at Remus, she looked into those strange new eyes of his and did not see a stranger, but a friend who had gone on a long and trying journey, only to come back with a profound awareness that only he could truly know. She did not see a man who had lost his soul.

She saw a man who had been cast into the fire...and had been reborn anew in its light.


	7. Smoke and Cinders

There were two men talking in hushed tones.

Tonks groaned as their voices pulled her into consciousness.

Forcedly, she lifted herself from the bed, running a hand through her wild mane of bubblegum-pink hair, she turned towards the open window beside her bed where she could see the sources of the noise standing in the garden.

Moody had arrived earlier than Tonks had anticipated, he was talking to Remus. From what Tonks could see, she knew Moody was thrown by Remus's Change. It was no secret that the Auror loved Remus like a son, the two had fought in countless battles during one long and trying war. Remus had once said that Moody seemed to be the only member of the Order absolutely certain of his loyalty. But now, he stood tall, defensive, and much farther back from Remus than Tonks was used to seeing. Almost as if he were afraid Remus would lunge at him at any moment. It broke her heart to see it.

Pulling on her robe Tonks darted out into the sitting room, peeking out the window, waiting for the two men to finish their discussion. She wished badly for a pair of extendable ears. She tried to gauge the nature of their conversation, but other than Moody's severe change in mannerisms, it was nearly impossible to get a sense of what was transpiring between the two men.

Eventually Remus gave a brisk nod, the two men turned in opposite directions, Remus turned back towards the cottage and Moody turned towards the forest, eventually passing through the wards and disapparating.

Remus did not look at all surprised to see Tonks waiting for him when he returned.

"What was that about?" she asked.

"One moment," said Remus. He turned and disappeared down the hall, shortly returning with a pack of cigarettes, he saw the surprise on Tonks's face and smiled. "I remembered I kept a hidden under my mattress years back. Care to join me?" he gestured to the front door.

"Sure," said Tonks.

The two stepped out onto the front porch together. Remus sat down on the front steps of the cottage and Tonks joined him. Remus pulled a cigarette from the pack with his teeth and held the pack out to Tonks.

"I didn't know you smoked." Tonks pulled a cigarette from the pack and placed it between her lips.

"An old habit I kicked sometime after Harry was born," Remus casually waved in Tonks's direction, igniting her cigarette. "Lily wouldn't let me near him smelling like cigarette smoke." He lit his own and took a long, thoughtful drag from it.

"Are you going to tell me what Moody wanted?" Tonks expelled smoke from her nostrils, looking much like a grumpy bull. Remus smirked at the sight.

Smoke fell from Remus's lips in a silver cascade. "He asked me if I feel like my wandless magic has improved since my incident. I told him it has. Dramatically." He punctuated the silence with another drag from his cigarette, letting it hang from his mouth as he spoke. "He asked me to return to duty after the next moon."

Tonks felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. "He _what?" _

"Dora-"

"You were bloody _tortured! __Twice! _We've barely been here a week! What the bloody fuck is he thinking!?" Tonks shrieked.

"Dora calm down."

"I WILL NOT!" Tonks shot up from her seat, glowering down at Remus. "You're not a fucking machine Remus! How can he expect you to just _pop back _from what all you've been through?! It's fucking _disgusting!" _

"There are plenty of people who have suffered far worse than I have."

"I DON'T CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT YOU!"

Tonks collapsed back down onto the porch. Remus simply watched her, his cigarette hanging limp and unsmoked in his mouth. She tossed her own cigarette onto the ground and drew her knees up to her chest, burying her face between them.

"What if you lose yourself again?" she whimpered.

Silence.

Tonks turned to him, "where is the wolf, Remus?"

He was silent for a while. "I feel him here," his hand drifted to his head, "his presence is constant, but it does not conflict with my own. That's the only way I can describe it."

"What's going to happen at full moon?" she asked.

Remus shook his head, looking out at the forest. "I don't know. Alastor thinks that if the wolf can overpower me, he will at full moon. It will be a test. If I'm myself afterword, I'm to report for duty again, if not..." darkness crept over his face.

"You'll be fully feral?"

Remus nodded stiffly.

Tears prickled in Tonks's eyes. "What will happen to you?"

"I told Alastor to do whatever he sees fit."

Tonks turned her head away, she didn't want to think of losing Remus, her Remus, forever.

"Don't I get a say?" she asked. She hated how childish she sounded.

He gave her a sad smile. "About what?"

"I stepped aside from my duties so I could help you heal! I'm the one who's been here with you this whole time! If there's anyone besides you that should have a say in weather or not you're ready to go back out there it should be me! I understand a hell of a lot better what's happened to you than bloody Moody does!"

"And if I become fully feral, what would you do with me?"

"I..."

She couldn't answer. And it was then she knew how truly lost she was. What would she do if Remus lost himself completely? Would it be a mercy to end his life? Would she have the strength to end it herself?

She looked at Remus, his haggard face basked in the blue-gold light of breaking dawn. She saw the war in his face. She saw it in Moody too...and Dumbledore...and Sirius...and even Snape...She was a child after all. What right did she have to say anything to these people? What could Remus _possibly _see in her when he had seen so much?

She felt tears roll down her cheeks.

"Dora..."

She didn't see him move, but she felt his hand on her face. The tender gesture made her break down completely. She rolled foreword into Remus's chest, burying her face in the fabric of his shirt so that she could weep freely.

"I just want you to know some happiness before it all comes crashing down." The words were muffled by his shirt, but Remus heard them.

"I've known a happiness I thought myself incapable of ever knowing. And I owe that to you, Dora. And if this all ends after the moon...I want you to know that above all else." She felt his arms snake around her and pull her into a tight embrace. "Promise me you'll remember that."

"I promise," said Tonks.


	8. The Words of a Dying Man

_Tears were rolling down her cheeks. She didn't care to hide them anymore._

_"Tonks?"_

_She turned. Remus Lupin was standing in the doorway. He looked tired. Had he been mourning too?_

You daft git of course he has. He was his best friend.

_"How're you holding up?" he asked. He took a step backwards into the darkness of the hallway. "I can go..."_

_"No! No. Don't-don't leave." Her voice was trembling._

_He took a step forward, looking uncertain, he started wringing his hands. Why did he look so uncomfortable? Remus Lupin was a man of infinite grace around everyone, he got on well with everyone, he was a rock for many people in the Order. Why was he so skittish around her?_

_Does he hate me?_

_"Here," she slid down towards the other end of the sofa, patting at the unoccupied seat next to her, "you can sit if you'd like."_

_He nodded stiffly and approached the sofa. He made an effort to sit as close to the opposite arm of the sofa as humanly possible._

_"Is everything alright?" she asked, pressing the heel of her hand into her eyes, rubbing out the remaining tears._

_He smiled sadly, "not really. But you already knew that."_

_"Yeah. Yeah I know. Stupid question." She looked away from him._

_"How long have you been sitting in here?"_

_"Don't really know now that you mention it." The sun was up when she came to sit in the Grimmauld Place library, she had not even noticed the darkness creeping through the room as she wept. "I'm so stupid. I didn't even know him that well. I've no right to be this upset about it."_

_"Don't call yourself stupid," there was a bite in Remus's voice that made her finally look at him, _really_ look at him. She could see the dark rings beneath his eyes, the stubble creeping through his jaw, his tangled, unwashed hair hastily pushed back away from his face. When he stood in the doorway, too far off to bear any kind of scrutiny of his appearance, he looked so normal, so much like the way she saw him every day. Shabby, but dignified. Up close she saw how Sirius's death had been eating away at him, and instead of falling into remorse or self pity he found her and tried to console _her.

_"I love you Remus."_

_"Wh-?"_

_She dove for his face, mouth plunging towards his. And he did not resist her._

_For a moment she felt a numb terror wash over her as her mind began to register what she had just said and done. She was kissing Remus Lupin! She could feel his lips on hers! She could feel his stubble scratching against her face, she could smell that familiar "Remus Lupin" smell. This was real. This was really happening. She felt a slight pressure against her face only to realize that not only was she kissing Remus Lupin..._he was kissing her back.

How long do kisses normally last? Bugger all if I can't have this last me the rest of my goddamned life._ She thought._

Tonks's eyes drifted open. It took her several heartbeats to remember where she was and why she was no longer kissing Remus Lupin.

She could hear the birds chirping outside, the gentle rustling of the trees like waves of the ocean. Lupin cottage beckoned her to wake once again, and she knew why. She could not waste this day.

Tonight was the full moon.

* * *

><p>Remus was outside on the porch smoking. She watched him through the window. He looked calm, relatively normal. She had been around pre-moon Remus long enough to know what counted as "normal." He looked pale, tired, thin, sickly. All staple pre-moon symptoms Tonks knew all too well. She didn't know what that meant for the coming moon. <em><br>_

He turned his head towards the window and smiled at her. "You planning on spying on me all morning?" he said with a calm smile. He jerked his head out towards the garden, "would you like to join me?"

Sitting out on the porch had become routine since Remus was healthy enough to move about on his own and Tonks did not have to worry about him running off. She did not always partake in the smoking portion of the habit.

"Am I going to have to start rationing those? You're becoming a bloody chimney."

Remus was staring out at the trees ahead of them. "Sorry. With the moon approaching it helps keep me calmer, it's why I picked up the habit in the first place."

"Well if they're helping you..."

"You're worried about tonight." It wasn't a question.

"Can you really blame me? This could be..." Tonks shook her head and began tracing the wood grain beneath her. She couldn't say it.

"My last night on earth."

Tonks felt a lone tear rolling down her cheek, she hastily brushed it away. She would not weep. Not until she knew.

"So!" her voice straining to sound as cheerful as possible. "How would you like to spend your potential last night on earth?"

_Don't cry...don't cry...don't cry..._

* * *

><p>Tonks made the two of them breakfast, she was happy to see Remus actually eating cooked meat and eggs in lieu of raw meat. It was something. Afterword Remus played more music on the record player and the two sat in the sitting room, each reading a book from the Lupin family library. Tonks buried herself into a dog-eared copy of a muggle murder mystery novel, not paying any attention to the relentless crawl of the sun across the sky.<p>

"Dora..."

Tonks jumped, jogged from her reading. Remus was standing in front of her, looking oddly serene, albeit a little tense and sickly. He gently kneeled down in front of her. "Come here," he said, his voice dropped to a low gravelly growl.

Slowly, Tonks leaned forward. Remus gently placed a hand behind her head, gently drawing her face closer to his. "Whatever happens tonight...just know that I love you, and I am profoundly sorry for any pain I've ever caused you because of my pig-headedness."

_These are the words of a dying man. _Tonks thought.

"Remus..."

Their lips met. Tonks moaned at the glorious familiarity of Remus's lips on hers. Hungry for his touch, Tonks leaned even further towards Remus, eventually losing her balance on the chair, sending the two crashing to the floor. Neither could be bothered as their hands and lips hungrily searched each others bodies. Fingertips crawling over forgotten landscapes of flesh and dips and curves and scars.

They moved together on the floor, lost in a sea of want, and it was as if nothing else in the world existed besides that.

Eventually they were still. Naked and panting on the floor, warm and illuminated by the golden glow of the fireplace as twilight crept through the forest.

"You always make these moons so much easier," said Remus.

Tonks puffed out a laugh. "Remember that one time I shagged you so hard the wolf slept through the entire night?"

"It's a tempting alternative to wolfsbane I must say."

They laughed. Remus wrapped his arms around Tonks and held her close to him. She could feel the strong thump of his heart in her ear.

"Don't leave me..." She felt the tears coming, she didn't know if she had the strength to fight them anymore.

His silence struck more fear through her than the approaching moon did.

* * *

><p>The forest was calm as the two marched towards the shack. Remus's father had built it when Remus was first bitten, at the time did the job well enough of containing a 5-year-old werewolf cub. Eventually the shack became more of a cell, reinforced with steel architecture and multiple layers of wards to keep an older and stronger werewolf from escaping. Needless to say, the shack was an intimidating structure.<p>

Remus stood before the door to the shack, the thin sheet wrapped around him did little to shield him from the chill of the wind whipping through the trees.

"I can't open it, you need to do it. The wards." Remus's voice was unnaturally stiff, weather it was from the impending transformation or the cold, Tonks wasn't sure.

Tonks opened the door, taking a second to peek inside. She could make out the steel bars that lined the walls of the shack, gently distorted by the wards that were encased around them.

She felt Remus's presence behind her. "Make sure you re-seal the wards when you close the door," he said.

Tonks gave a stiff nod, stepping aside to let Remus through.

He turned to Tonks, drinking in her face one last time. He kissed her again. "Goodnight."

"I love you."

"I love you too. Do not be afraid."

This time, she could not answer him. She would not lie to him. She was more terrified than she had been in her entire life.

She could have very well been shutting the door to a tomb.


	9. It's In His Nature

And I will stay up through the night  
>Let's be clear, won't close my eyes<br>And I know that I can survive  
>I'll walk through fire to save my life<p>

And I want it, I want my life so bad  
>I'm doing everything I can<br>Then another one bites the dust  
>It's hard to lose a chosen one<p>

Sia - Elastic Heart

* * *

><p>Moody arrived several hours before dawn. He sat in the heavy armchair beside the dying fire, looking much like a grim gargoyle slouched in his perch.<p>

Tonks's eyes stung as they swelled from a night of silent tears. She was sick of weeping. She stood, arms folded across her chest, anxiously watching the sun bleed into the sky.

"He's your weapon," Tonks spat.

Moody's eyes flicked towards her and found the young witch glowering at him from the window. "The bloody hell you on about?"

"That's why you had us stay here. You didn't actually care about _him. _You want him as a weapon. That's why you kept pestering me about the wandless magic."

Moody did not speak.

"You're not taking him. He's not a fucking animal."

"Watch yourself, girl."

"FUCK YOU!" Tonks spun on her heel, finally turning to face the auror head-on. "YOU WOULDN'T TELL ME _ANYTHING! _YOU WANTED ME TO THINK YOU WERE DOING THIS BECAUSE YOU ACTUALLY CARED! BUT YOU FUCKING _DON'T! _YOU WANT HIM TO BE YOUR PET FERAL TO SICK ON THE DEATH EATERS! _YOU'RE A FUCKING MONSTER!" _

Moody shot up from his seat, closing the gap between the two in a few quick paces. "You best watch the way you speak to me, girl. I like you, but I'm not going to be berated by a daft child on the nature of war." There was a loud clanking, Tonks refused to break eye contact with the auror but she knew he was knocking against his artificial leg. "I've made my fair share of sacrifices. As has Remus. He knows what's at stake. He knows that better than you ever will. Don't forget you were still chasing boys through the hallways of fucking Hogwarts when Remus had his entire fucking _life _ripped from him in a single night. You've yet to learn what true loss is, what sacrifices war demands of us."

When Tonks did not speak, Moody continued.

"Listen, it's easy just to sod off into the woods and pretend like this blasted war isn't happening. It wouldn't be long before you have a dozen Death Eaters surrounding this place and you're both dead or crucioed into madness. And for what? When you could be helping to_ end_ this whole bloody thing. It's about doing what's _right. _Remus knows that, and you should too." Moody's eyes flickered towards the window. "Sun'll be up in a few minutes." He looked back at Tonks. "I can wait here. Can I trust you to do the right thing? I didn't take you under my wing because I thought you to be an incompetent fool."

Tonks turned away and with a _pop! s_he was gone.

* * *

><p>There was silence on the other side of the door. There was a flicker in her mind. A horrid thought that swept shame over herself for even thinking it.<p>

_If you're dead...then at least Moody can't strip you of your humanity..._

Tonks whispered the counter-spell, sending the wards away.

Hand on the handle, this was it.

She pushed the door open...until she felt someone _pull..._

A haggard yet familiar face appeared in the crack of the door. Golden eyes regarding the witch with very human recognition.

"Remus...?"

He dove foreword. Tonks shrieked, only to be cut short by the presence of Remus's mouth on hers.

Their lips parted just enough for Remus to whisper..."I'm all here."

And they kissed again.

* * *

><p>Moody was standing out on the porch when they returned. Tonks could feel the horrible stinging swell of anxiety as they approached. <em>Please don't take him from me Alastor. Please. <em>

"How you feelin'?" Moody barked.

"Well I _don't _feel like murdering everything with a pulse if that's what you're asking," said Remus as they entered the cottage. He kept his gaze fixed on the ragged hem of the jeans Tonks had brought for him.

"Well you look-fuck boy-you look almost _normal! _What happened?"

Moody was right. Tonks was practically dumbstruck when she found Remus with not so much as a scratch on him. Almost as if he had spent the night as a man rather than a wolf. Even when he took wolfsbane potion Remus would usually sport bruises as an after-effect of having his skin and bones warped into foreign, unnatural shapes. He barely had the energy to stand afterword. Now he was somehow capable of marching through the forest at a relatively brisk pace.

"Did you even turn?" asked Moody, he was getting impatient.

"I did, yes," said Remus softly. He eased himself into the armchair, refusing to look either of the Aurors in the eye.

Tonks shifted uncomfortably. "Can I get you anything, Remus?"

"When would you like me to report in?" was all he said. Tonks felt her heart sink, Moody looked slightly stunned.

"Bloody hell boy I wasn't expecting you to just up and duel Voldemort right when you turned back! If you need to rest-"

"I'm fine. Where do you need me?" Remus finally turned and looked Moody in the eye, his gaze was disturbingly indifferent.

"What's happened to you, boy? This isn't-"

"You wouldn't be here at the crack of dawn for any other reason."

Hurt was evident in Moody's eyes. "Bloody hell Remus...I told you I thought you might..."

"Well I'm _not. _As you can see, I'm all here," Remus tapped at his temple agitatedly. "I can glamour my eyes if they bother you that bloody much."

"LISTEN HERE BOY-"

Tonks leapt between Moody and Remus. Moody looked about ready to charge but Tonks stood her ground. "Stop! Stop. Moo-Alastor. I'd like to speak with Remus privately for a moment. Would you mind waiting outside? I can send out some tea or-"

Moody was out the door before she could finish.

Tonks turned to Remus who was looking at the front door as if expecting a dementor to come barreling through at any moment. "Are you alright?" she asked.

"I just hate the way he looks at me now."

"How does he look at you?" Tonks had an idea, but she asked anyway.

"I know Greyback is dead...I know I killed him...but I don't remember..." Remus closed his eyes, looking profoundly pained. "I hate not knowing. Not understanding what I did. It's always been my fear...all my life. That I would hurt someone, not remember what I did, and suddenly everyone's changed, and they all hate me and look at me with fear and there's nothing I could have done...that it's just in my nature. That it's inevitable."

"Moody knows you had no control over what happened."

He shook his head. "Predators are just doing what their instincts dictate. They don't have any real control over their actions. But we're still afraid of them. We still arm ourselves against them."

"Remus..."

He stood from his seat and walked over to Tonks. He gently took on of her hands in his. "Even when I was lost...afraid of losing myself...you never looked at me that way. It made me feel human. That maybe it could _stay _like this..."

Tonks opened her mouth to speak, to tell him that it _could _stay like this...

"Moody reminds me of the truth. That's why I was so angry...because I didn't want to admit that the illusion was over." His hand fell away from hers. "The wolf serves a very brutal and distinct function. One that I cannot ignore. At least if I go with him, I can succumb to my nature in a way that...even if I lose my humanity...I can take some of the of evil in the world with me."

Tonks shook her head helplessly, "Remus...no...don't do this..." She took hold of his wrist. "You can't!"

He gently pulled himself free of her grip. "I'm sorry."

_"No!" _

He was turning away from her.

_"Remus please!"_

He was opening the front door.

"REMUS DON'T!"

Her legs buckled. She didn't have the strength to pull herself up from the floor.

"REMUS!"

Even as the name left her lips. She knew he had already gone.


	10. The Sacrificial Lamb

Tonks sat slumped in the armchair, head turned towards the window. There were students flying about on the quidditch pitch.

"Turkish delight?"

Her head slowly turned, she had almost forgotten who was sitting at the desk across from her.

The Headmaster's eyes twinkled at her. It made her sick.

"No, thank you," she said dully, turning her head back towards the window. She wasn't in the mood for talking.

"That was a very kind thing you did for Remus."

"Got you lamb nice and prepped for slaughter," she spat.

Dumbledore tutted disapprovingly, but said nothing.

She turned at looked at him, her face red and swollen from weeping. Silent tears still stung her cheeks. Her hair fell limp and grey around her heart-shaped face. She looked very much like she were in mourning. In her eyes, she might as well have been. "You wouldn't tell me anything. _Nothing. _You let me go on thinking you were giving us an opportunity to let him properly heal. You just wanted him coherent enough to sick on the Death Eaters without turning on our own, and you knew Remus wouldn't resist you. Isn't that right?"

The headmaster looked rueful. "Miss Tonks, from what Alastor and I had gathered upon reviewing Severus's memories, it seemed that Remus had awoken some sort of dormant power that would prove useful in our fight against Voldemort. A fight, may I remind you, that if we lose will mean Remus's death regardless."

"I'm sick of hearing that. I'm honestly so bloody sick."

"Miss Tonks-"

"Just tell me what's happening to him. You owe me that much."

Dumbledore looked at the young auror who now looked at him with pure and utter loathing. This was not the vibrant young woman whom Alastor praised so highly. This was someone who had been profoundly wounded. And he was to blame. She was right, she deserved the truth.

"How much do you know about feral werewolves, Miss Tonks?"

"Not much."

"They are werewolves who have, in almost every sense, lost themselves to their wolfish instincts. They still possess the ability to speak and use magic, but they lose all sense of their humanity beyond that. They know nothing but hatred and animal instinct. They are quite literally, a wolf in the skin of a man. Ferals are considered the root cause of the overall hatred and vitriol towards werewolves in our society."

Tonks's gaze did not falter, she was listening.

"From what we saw in Severus's memory, we believed that Remus had been tortured into a feral state. He allowed the wolf to surface, most likely involuntarily, so that it could endure the pain in his stead. It is actually quite common. Most werewolves slip into a feral state as a result of a particularly brutal transformation where the pain is simply too much to bear. But...from what you had reported to us when you cared for him at Lupin Cottage, his behavior is unlike what we would expect if Remus had truly gone feral. He was still aware of the wolf as 'other' and he was fighting against those instincts rather vehemently it seemed.

"Alastor had pointed out to me how Remus had employed wandless non-verbal magic when he attacked Greyback. If Remus were entirely feral he would be rendered incapable of performing such precise and controlled magic to be able to manipulate those chains the way he did. I have known of Remus's remarkable talent for wandless non-verbal magic. In fact, it was partly why I was so compelled to allow him to attend school here and why I had gone to such lengths to ensure he would be able to do so safely. I had never seen that kind of gift since..."

Tonks frowned. "You've never let another werewolf attend school here, have you?"

The headmaster shot her a steely glare, "no, I have not. Remus was the only werewolf in history to survive the bite at such a young age, when I saw his abilities with wandless non-verbal I knew he had the potential to be truly powerful."

"Like Voldemort?" Tonks hissed.

The headmaster looked away from Tonks's loathing gaze. "You may have noticed that Remus never nurtured that talent. He always uses his wand, even for very basic spells anyone can perform wandlessly." Tonks nodded slightly. "While he was still a student here he told me how the gift made him feel like more of an outsider. In his eyes, it was just another reason for people to fear him. In the end, he valued being normal over being powerful. I respected that and I did not encourage him to use wandless magic since, even during the first war when such a gift could have been considered such an enormous asset to our cause."

Sadness washed over the headmasters face. "I believe it was the cause of the distrust among the original Order as well. After the deaths of the Potters, Remus came to me. He blamed himself for their deaths. He was at home, he thought he was alone, he used wandless magic to clean his flat, and Sirius saw through the window. He never told his friends of his gift...and they assumed the worst; that he had been deliberately hiding it from them.

"He never used his gift after that, not even when he was alone. I had assumed that without him nurturing that gift, that it simply withered away. It is my belief that whatever deep magic Remus has within, that granted him such an extraordinary gift, it is what saved his humanity from being lost to the wolf completely and in fact, has made him even stronger."

"Remus never wanted any of this. He never wanted that power." said Tonks.

"Remus's denial of his gifts can be argued as the cause of many lives lost during the first war. We are at a loss right now, Miss Tonks, we cannot afford to let precious resources fall by the wayside. Remus is strong, that much has been made obvious, I believe he can come back from what this war will take from him."

"And what if he doesn't?" Tonks's words were steel.

"He would not be the first."

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE: <strong>Hello again! Sorry for the chapter's-worth of pure exposition but I felt it was long overdue.

Thank you _so much _for your reviews! I probably wouldn't be updating this nearly as frequently if it wasn't for you guys! Thanks for keeping me motivated.

And in case you're wondering where in the timeline this is taking place, the story started a few months after Order of the Phoenix. As this story is AU, it will not be canon-compliant with the events of Half-Blood Prince onwards.


	11. An Anchor

Autumn was colder than usual. Tonks didn't even seem to notice anymore. For a while she felt the stabbing chill of Remus's absence until eventually she felt nothing at all.

At first she sent Remus letters, but the owls could never find him. She sent letters to Moody, who had become just as absent as Remus had. Moody would give vague, half-hearted replies, if he even replied at all. She didn't know why she expected any less from the man who ripped Remus from her life so effortlessly.

She felt nothing for a long time. She noticed she was getting invited to the Weasley's more frequently. She grew sick of Molly's worried glances. Eventually she stopped showing up. She knew it was wrong of her, but she couldn't stand the pitying looks, the deliberate avoidance of anything to do with Remus, anything at all grim at all seemed to have been banned from discussion around Tonks entirely. She had become a ghost.

Days passed. Eventually there was a gentle knock at her door. She didn't know what time it was. She didn't care.

She opened the door to find Kingsley smiling warmly down at her, but the smile did not reach his eyes.

"How you feeling, love?"

Tonks did nothing but glare. The hurt was evident in Kingsley's face, as well as the pity. Mentally, Tonks chastised herself, _it's not his fault. Don't take it out on him._

"I'm afraid I'm a bit of a right mess at the moment," she said dryly.

Kingsley puffed out a laugh. "Well that's the best time to be entertaining old friends, isn't it?"

Tonks sighed. He wasn't going to leave it be. She begrudgingly stepped aside, allowing the auror into her flat.

She hadn't even realized the state her flat was in. Unwashed dishes and takeaway containers were strew about every conceivable surface, along with a few empty liquor bottles peppered about. The curtains were drawn tight, she had no idea it was even daylight outside until she had opened the door. When Kingsley drew back the curtains, it did no favors for her flat's already gloomy appearance.

Without speaking, Kinsley drew his wand and casually began strolling through her flat, casting spells here and there. Dishes began to levitate into the sink and watch themselves, the windows were thrown open by an invisible force, a sickingly pleasant smell flooded the air.

"You came all this way to scourgify my bloody flat?" Tonks barked.

"No. But might as well." Kingsley didn't even look at her.

_"Cut it out!"_ She stormed up to the auror, reaching to snatch his wand from his hand, Kingsley being several heads taller, simply raised his arm a little higher and continued casting. "Can't you people just leave me alone?"

"No," said the auror, smiling sadly down at her. "Come, I'll put the kettle on."

Tonks sat curled up on the loveseat, knees drawn up to her chest, glowering as Kingsley walked the tea tray over to her.

The auror lowered himself onto the furry pouf across from Tonks's spot on the loveseat. He looked utterly ridiculous, she tried not to smile.

"You haven't been showing up to meetings."

Tonks rose her eyebrows, looking thoroughly bored, "I know."

"You can't throw yourself away like this just because-"

"Just because the Order treats its own members like fucking _cattle _instead of human beings?"

Kingsley frowned at her. "I hardly think we're to blame for what happened to Remus."

"And yet you have no problem taking someone in a psychologically fragile state and sending them back into the trenches the second they're lucid." Tonks waved a hand dismissively at him. "I'm just so fucking sick of hearing the same thing over and over. There's nothing left to be said. Once this war is done I want nothing to fucking do with any of you."

Hurt was evident in Kingsley's eyes. "I don't blame you, you know. I think you have every right to be livid. But war exists in a morally grey area, on both sides. That's simply the nature of it. And I don't want you to throw your life away because of it."

"I guess I'm no soldier then. I'm just a stupid child."

"Don't call yourself stupid." Those familiar words forced Tonks to look at Kingsley properly. She didn't see the impatience and anger of Moody or the patronizing indifference of Dumbledore. A friend was sitting across from her. A real friend.

"We wanted you for the Order because you're naturally gifted and you're not nearly as war-weary as the rest of us. Sometimes we need new eyes to keep the rest of us in check, to remind us to be compassionate."

Tonks scoffed, "and you've certainly been using me for those qualities haven't you?"

"If it were up to me I certainly would. But I've hardly the authority of Moody or Dumbledore. But Tonks, you _cannot _shut down like this. You need to prove to them that you've the gusto we thought you had. It means proving you can _endure _this. Do you understand me? That's how you gain the respect of your superiors and your peers. And respect is the root of change. You said your peace to Dumbledore, now you go out there and you fight _your way _and you _win _and you prove him wrong, Tonks. Prove to him what can be won by fighting your way, that you're not a stubborn little girl you're a warrior with compassion."

Tonks suddenly felt very weak. "But what's even the point? Remus..."

"Remus would want you to carry on and be strong. He would be crushed to see the state his absence has left you in. When he comes back he should see you strong and fighting. Not some empty shell locked away in their flat. Please Tonks," Kingsley suddenly reached over and took Tonks's hands in his, "do this for him. Let him return to the Tonks he fell in love with."

"Here," he broke away from his grasp on Tonks's hand and rooted around in his pocket for a moment before pulling out a small ring. "I carry this around with me. Love of my life gave it to me before I left for the Order. This job weighs on everyone. It's my anchor. It reminds me why I'm doing all this." The auror stood up, smiling softly down at Tonks, "get yourself something. Remind yourself what you're putting yourself through this for. Will you do that for me? And when this is finally done you can tell Dumbledore to sod off all you like."

Tonks looked away. She thought of Remus. No. She wouldn't want Remus to see her in the state she was in. There was nothing that could be done now, a decision was made by people with more power than her and she could either keep fighting or just whither away.

"Alright."

"I'll see you next week then." There was a _pop! _signaling the auror's departure.

"I need a bloody shower," Tonks muttered to herself.

* * *

><p>Somehow, Tonks found herself outside Lupin Cottage. Frost kissed the ground, the air was dry and chill. The cottage, in the absence of any kind of light within or around, the garden having gone unattended for far too long, the cottage looked as bleak and grey and Tonks did. <em>Do you miss Remus too? <em>she thought.

The wards had vanished, no longer needed. The warmth of the cottage had vanished along with them. The front door was unlocked, it wasn't like there was anything inside worth protecting anyway.

She wandered through the halls, feeling like the proper ghost she had become. She imagined how wonderful it would have been to live with Remus here, free from the horrific pain the war had wrought on them. _Why am I even here? What good will it do to linger here? _She hated herself. She hated how broken she had become, how broken she _allowed _herself to become. Wasting away wasn't going to bring Remus back to her. She wasn't sure it anything could.

"I need to remember this place," Tonks whispered, her words catching on the still air around her. "I need to believe we can return here, when all this is done."

A reminder. That is what she needed. She needed to be reminded of the life she could have with Remus, once the war was over. She needed a reminder that there was something, some faint scent of happiness that would allow her to continue, not as a ghost, but as a soldier.

She stopped at Remus's bedroom. The place had been stripped bare. She wondered what it looked like when Remus lived here, how it changed as he grew up. Did his parents keep it the way it was when their son eventually left? Or did they convert it to something more practical?

Almost passively, Tonks pulled open the drawer of the bedside table, inside was the muggle murder mystery novel that she had read the day of the full moon. She frowned, _why was it here and not on the bookshelf? _She picked it up and saw a loose page hanging out from between the other pages. Tonks gently pulled the page out from within the binding, the paper was thicker, glossier than the thin leaves of the book. It was a photograph.

The photograph looked like it had been folded, unfolded, and crumpled multiple times. She recognized the image immediately.

It was of Remus and Tonks. The two were seated on the floor of the great library in Grimmauld Place, their backs facing the camera, only their profiles could be seen. Their forms were silhouetted against the glow of the fireplace in front of them. Tonks was lying on her stomach, looking up at Remus who was sitting cross-legged, a cheeky grin plastered across her face. Remus was laughing, a hearty laugh that exposed all his teeth. His glass (of what Tonks assumed was scotch) raised halfway to his face, the amber liquid causing light to refract rippling abstractions onto the werewolf's grinning face.

She remembered now. Sirius had snuck the photo while the two were sharing their first real moment alone together.

Tonks watched the two figures in the photograph continue to laugh and smile at one another. She had almost forgotten she was capable of feeling that happy.

She flipped the photo over, on the back, written in hurried, uneven scrawl:

_Just in case you need a reminder to stop being a pig-headed arse._

_Pads._

She felt a profound sadness and joy well in her chest all at once. This was what she needed to get her through whatever this war would reap upon her.

She felt the morph flow through her as she stormed out of the house, but she didn't care to dwell on what her hair was doing. It crawled back into her scalp, leaving it in her telltale spikes she missed so dearly. When she returned home, she would notice they had become a vibrant shade of orange. This was her war paint. She gently thumbed the photograph that sat folded in the pocket of her robes. She was ready.


	12. Strangers

"No movement since last wednesday, I have a tracking charm on them just to be safe.".

"Very good. Anything else?"

"No sir."

"How are you spending Christmas?" Kingsley smiled softly.

Tonks shrugged. "Might stay with my parents. Depends on security."

The elder auror nodded. "You know Molly's invited us all to the Burrow for Christmas dinner, if you feel up to it."

"Yeah. Maybe." Tonks gave a curt nod and turned towards the door to Kinglsey's office. As she opened the door she heard an owl fly in through the window behind her.

"Hold up, Tonks."

She turned and saw Kingsley reading over the letter he had just received, looking remarkably cross. "They got Dolohov."

Tonks's eyebrows disappeared into her sherbet-colored fringe, "Oh yeah? Who got him?"

Kingsley did not respond, he continued to read the letter. He looked up at Tonks, holding her gaze for a moment as if he were trying to riddle something particularly complex from within her inquiring grey eyes. "I'm heading down to oversee the interrogation. I think you should come."

Tonks scoffed, "why?"

"Just come on."

* * *

><p>Grimmauld was left completely abandoned not long after Sirius's death. The last time Tonks had even been within its halls, she had found Remus beaten and broken in the dining hall. <em>Don't think about Remus...<em>Tonks absently thumbed the photograph that sat folded in the pocket of her billowing violet robes.

"What're we doing here? You didn't bring Dolohov _here _did you?" she asked.

"We've been using the cellar for interrogations."

Kingsley rounded on a door at the end of the hall. Tonks had never noticed it before. Kingsley muttered a counter spell and the door swung open.

The two descended into darkness. The door immediately opening to a set of stone steps which descended into the bowels of the Black estate. Tonks felt a horrible chill run through her as she followed Kingsley into its depths.

At some point Kingsley had stopped without warning, Tonks collided into the auror, slamming him into the door.

"The bloody hell-!" came a disgruntled cry from within the darkness.

A thin rectangle of light formed ahead of them, a door had opened. Moody stood in the doorway glowering at the two aurors who had piled up before the door.

"Hurry up and get your arses in here!" Moody barked. Kingsley and Tonks obeyed.

The cellar was made completely of stone, in the dim light Tonks could make out faint lines among the stone, gashes caused by something sharp and strong. She then noticed the brown spatterings along the walls, they were old and dried and looked to be the cause of something being violently thrown around. It did not take Tonks long to understand what had caused the markings, it wasn't from the Order's interrogations...it was from the chamber's previous occupant. _Remus spent the full moon down here. _There was a lone chair in the center of the room and seated in the chair was Antonin Dolohov, looking remarkably pompous in disposition in spite being captured.

"I've sent for him, should be here any minute. Fucker's not feeling cooperative."

Kingsley nodded. Tonks threw the auror an inquiring look but he ignored it.

"Good to see you back on your feet, girl." said Moody, there was a sadness laced in the natural bark of his voice. Tonks met his eyes and gave him a firm nod.

Dolohov eyed Tonks for a moment before turning to Moody. "Is she the one that fucks animals?"

Tonks felt the blood drain from her face. "Keep making jokes Dolohov, I'll be sure to send your balls back to your masters in a little velvet purse," said Moody.

Dolohov rolled his eyes.

There was a gentle knock at the door.

"Enter!" Moody barked.

A man entered the room. Tonks almost thought him to be a stranger. He wore a tatty pair of tweed trousers and a worn white shirt, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows exposing his scarred forearms. His face was heavily scarred, some looked only just on the brink of healing. A short salt and pepper beard hugged his jaw. His brown hair was liberally threaded with grey, just long enough to be pulled back into a short ponytail. Tonks then realized something; this was no stranger. She looked at his gaunt, lanky form and when he lifted his eyes to meet hers...she knew this man.

_Oh god..._

He did not notice her, his attention focused on the Death Eater seated before him. "Being uncooperative again, Antonin?" he said calmly, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"You supposed to intimidate me, Lupin?" Dolohov spat, grinning up at him with maniacal defiance.

Remus quirked his eyebrow, "I don't? Sorry to hear that." He ran a long-fingered hand over his jaw distractedly. "Are you sure you can't be a little more accommodating?"

"Eat shit, wolf."

"I see."

There was a distinct shift in the air of the room. Tonks immediately thought of Snape's memory...when Remus had lost himself to the wolf. She watched Remus carefully, he did not move, but the very atmosphere of the room seemed to warp and shift around him. Her eyes flicked over to Dolohov, he had gone completely rigid, his eyes so wide they looked ready to pop from his skull, a look of complete and utter horror was plastered across his face.

And all Remus did was stand there.

"God...what is this? WHAT IS THIS? WHAT ARE YOU?" Dolohov was screeching. He began to thrash about helplessly in his seat, as if bound to it by some invisible force. "HOLY FUCK! PLEASE, NO!" He continued to scream at the top of his lungs, and Remus continued to stand there, completely still.

"If you would just tell us what we'd like to know it would stop, Antonin." Tonks couldn't help but note the sadness in his voice.

"STOP! PLEASE! NO! GOD! I'LL SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT JUST MAKE IT GO AWAY!"

Light filled the chamber. _When had the lights gone out? _Tonks wondered, she had been too distracted to notice.

Dolohov refused to look Remus in the eye. "They...they don't tell me anything...nothing important anyway."

"If you have any information at all, it would be most appreciated," said Remus kindly.

Dolohov shook his head, as if willing his mind to think of something, _anything _to tell them. "Yes!" his head suddenly snapped to attention. "Ottery St. Catchpole! You know it?"

"I do, yes."

"Raid. Death Eater raid. I don't know when they were planning on striking. Soon. Executing the mud-muggle born there. That's all I know I swear!" The Death Eater looked utterly terrified, as if Remus was poised to tear his head off at the slightest provocation.

Remus gave him a sad smile. He looked up at Moody, almost as if for approval, the auror shrugged. "Thank you Antonin, we'll be able to keep those people safe now thanks to you."

Dolohov nodded vigorously, "Yes, anything you need. Anything."

Remus smiled softly. He lifted his head towards the aurors watching from the back of the room. His eyes locked with Tonks's and she could feel herself go rigid at his gaze.

Then, as quickly as it had come, his eyes left hers, the werewolf turned on his heel and made for the door.

"Good work Lupin." said Moody.

The door shut and he was gone.

A cold chill racked Tonks's frame, it was as if she had seen a ghost.


End file.
